Oh, Baby! One Mother's Journey - Part II

Greetings and Welcome to Oh Baby! Part II. Thank Ya'll! Really how special and supportive and loving you all have been on this story. You know it's hard and I'm working it out as I write and yet you care, pray and encourage. God Bless You each one!

Suffice it to say, we were walking on clouds, again. It felt right. Let me backtrack a little and say that when we discovered we were having Twins, our first pregnancy - the Tigers, it was a total surprise and miracle of God. That story will be told in its entirety another day. It is quite a story. Though we were totally surprised, I never have taken it for granted.

So the Summer of 2005, we cherished the treasure of yet another pregnancy. I felt great. Things were clicking along. We had shared with our boys about our expectancy simply because we had no reason not to share. We were beginning to share the good news. The boys were naming their sisters. And in the spirit of our boys and our life as we were expecting, the child(ren) became known as "Mabel and LuLu" because these were the names the boys seemed to pick.

Then out of the blue, life turned on a dime. As quickly as our Fairy Tale II unfolded, it faded. As I think back, I recall going through the motions of wanting to 'do' whatever I could do to "save the babies" knowing full well He is the giver of life. And so as that time in our lives became frozen in time so did the names the boys chose. So we talk about meeting Mabel and LuLu in heaven some day.

On a lighter note, can I just interject that had twin girls arrived, I/we had other names in mind. Like the ones we had chosen for the boys (because yes we did wait to discover the sex of our twins until the morning of their birth - what joy and complete surprise). It was a momentS we'll never forget.

At any rate, those were some long and dark days. There was uncertainty as our doctors thought we'd make it and then there was the reality that we would not.

I do not want to talk so much about the physical aspects as I do the emotional side of our experience. And the spiritual side of this journey. Honestly, I know that's what God had in mind working on our hearts through this. If you have been there, you'll understand.

Grounded in my life-long faith, in my heart I knew "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." Yet, in my Mommy-mind I seemed to get caught up in what I wanted. What our vision was for our family. Yes, the numbers. God had other plans.

It was the strangest and most conflicted feeling to be living life to the hilt with our twin four-year-olds as a stay-at-home mom and yet feeling physically, emotionally and spiritually the loss of life. We cried, talked and prayed a lot The boys had question after question. And again, the last thing I wanted to do was explain God's sovergnity on a pre-school level while I was struggling to understand it myself. We persevered.

Then I went through the Mommyguilt. What had I eaten? Had a decaf milk latte caused the loss? Had my jog/walk the morning prior caused the whole thing. Consistently the Lord made known that nothing I did or did not do could cause life.
Just like rain, sunshine or a rainbow, He is consistent and faithful to make Himself known. Each day I began to trust His plan as it unfolded.

We stayed at the Cross. It's all we could do or knew to do. Who am I to question? Who am I to have a 'better' plan? Who am I to fixate on a number? Who am I to not accept his perfect plan? "I Know My Redeemer Lives" is the song that this Mommy clung to and I still hear it today and His faithfulness is revealed. Please enjoy the reality of this song:

Nicole C. Mullen \ Redeemer

Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning
Who told the ocean you an only come this far?
Who showed the moon where to hide 'til evening
Whose words alone can catch a falling star?

Well I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
All of creation testify
This life within me cries
I know my Redeemer lives

The very same God that spins things in orbit
He runs to the weary, the worn and the weak
And the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken
They conquered death to bring me victory

Now I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redemer lives
Let all creation testify
Let this life within me cry
I know my Redeemer, He lives

To take away my shame
And He lives forever I'll proclaim
That the payment for my sin
Was the precious life He gave
But now He's alive
And there's an empty grave.

And I know my Redeemer, He lives
I know my Redeemer lives
Let all creation testify
This life within me cries
I know my Redeemer lives, I spoke with Him this morning....

And then a life-altering thing happened...the little questions that were being asked doubly, lead to a road that took two little four and a half year old boys back to that same Cross where they asked Jesus their questions and gave their hearts to Him and accepted the Salvation He offered. Personally made it their own. That's our story. If you'd like to make it yours go here. Feel free to email me with questions here.

Does God stun us! Suddenly we get the sometimes rare glance at the tapestry as He was weaves it. We did. Grace abounded.

Yes, three years later it's still a painful time. And yet, more so, it is such an exciting time. So true to the story of Christ we celeberate life loss and life gained. Each year we 'get to' live it and walk it at least once a year as we celebrate life and the Spiritual birthday of our sons!

"Blessed be the name of the Lord, He gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Warmly,